You want your postman, postperson, to be happy.

Clear your sidewalks, driveway and porch.

You don't want them cutting off your postal service because your walkway is dangerous. Or do you? After seeing the NYSEG bill they delivered last month, I'm having second thoughts.

$433.

You can lease a decent apartment or real nice import for that. You can disperse about 1,000 crows for that (though 500 will come back).

NYSEG needs to include not just a return envelope, but a sedative and a grief counselor when they send out a bill this size to a customer. It's just not right that your worst winter utility bills arrive the same time as your Christmas credit card bill, and your county tax bill.

$433.

My wife and I are going to host a bake sale and car wash this weekend to help pay for this.

$433.

Bills this size should come with a payment booklet. In fact, a bill this size helps put a NYSEG official's child through Cornell ... but I wish they'd realize we have some great community colleges around here.

$433.

NYSEG should at least enclose some Vicodin, because no one should have to pass a stone this size unmedicated. Our toilets must run off electricity, because we don't use anything else in our house often enough that would ring up a bill for ...

... $433.

There are crystalizing moments throughout your adult life when your parents' incessant nagging seems to make perfect sense. This is one of them.

It's at this moment that you know why your mother demanded you close the refrigerator door all the way. If she could see us now, cries of "Where do you think you live, a barn?" would pierce the air.

My wife loves to leave lights on throughout the house, so that she doesn't have to walk into a room that's dark. She said it's to fool potential burglars into thinking there are multiple people at home, a security system I'm sure is endorsed by every electric utility company in the country.

We sometimes leave the heat up when we're gone, so that the house isn't cold when we return.

We leave the computers on, so that we don't waste, oh, 10-15 seconds of valuable rebooting time.

My wife leaves the TV on in rooms she has vacated, so that she never misses a moment of her shows regardless of her whereabouts.

She also leaves the halogen electricity-sucking oven light on for our dog at night, who apparently has mentioned to my wife that he doesn't like to sleep in the dark.

But I now am armed with 433 reasons why we need to see the light. And turn them off.

So we will be using candles in our house from now on, and dressing in the dark if necessary, with apologies for my mismatched socks. We will strip off all window treatments to allow the sun, which is still free I believe (someone doublecheck that NYSEG hasn't subleased it), to light and heat our house. We will put in a retractable roof.

We will remove the bulb in our refrigerator, and every night's dinner will now be a surprise.

We will sell our TV, and play board games at night for entertainment. Instead of surfing the 'Net, we will ... gasp ... speak to one another for enjoyment, and not simply for directions (Honey, where did I leave my blue jeans?).

And we will do this, not only for ourselves, but our postal carrier.

Because it's not the unshoveled sidewalks that are a health hazard.

It's the weight of those utility bills.

Editor Mikel LeFort can be reached at 253-5311 ext. 230 or e-mail mikel.lefort@lee.net