- Frank Zappa

Allow me to apologize if I seem a bit out of sorts this week, but I'm trying to figure out if I'm getting ahead, falling behind or just coasting. I think that the source of all this mental confusion at the moment, as if I needed an excuse, is that I'm getting mixed messages from just about everywhere I turn recently.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the theory of karma and having a balance to the universe, I even bought all the “Star Wars” movies just so I'd get a better grasp of “the force,” but that still doesn't explain the goings-on this week.

Take Monday for instance. Since the temperature has been fairly moderate these last few weeks I decided to finally shut off the furnace, fold up the blankets and bring the air conditioner up from the basement. On a step ladder that has seen better days I hoisted it into the window, screwed it in tight and walked back into the house to make sure it would start up properly. Now before you go thinking that the end result is that it fell out the window, you're wrong. It held fast and even worked fine right from the get go. No, the problem is that every night since the installation, it has been freezing at night!

I thought perhaps that was just a coincidence, but on Wednesday I had to go to my doctor's for my annual “wellness visit.” Granted, going to the doctor when you're healthy is sort of like going to the mortuary when you still have a pulse. But, as they say, it's always better to be safe than sorry, so I took off my clothes, put on the gown and prepared myself to be poked more than a steak being tenderized. I'm happy to report I have a clean bill of health. That is, I'd be happy, if I didn't break my glasses while getting dressed. You see, I forgot I had put them in my pants pocket for “safe keeping.”

And it gets better.

I took the car in for its inspection. It passed, but as soon as I pulled out into the street, the check engine light comes on. I'm not sure what the universe is trying to tell me but I better start listening, because to top it all off I was walking back to work from lunch on Friday when I saw a quarter on the sidewalk. (Pretty lucky right?) Well, when I bent over to pick it up off the ground, I heard the unmistakable sound of seams splitting and suddenly I am my own worst fashion statement as I make the realization that now I have a zipper in the front and a hole in the back. I believe it was Newton, (Isaac, not Fig) who stated that “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.”

Now while I agree with the idea; I just never thought it was suppose to happen that quickly.

Auburn native Bradley Molloy's column appears here, each

Sunday, in The Citizen.

He can be reached at lovonian@hotmail.com