2018 Pictures of the Year

“Forget about frying an egg on the sidewalk; this kind of heat would fry an egg inside the chicken.”

— Rachel Caine

Summer is here, my friends, and that means the days are longer and the shorts are shorter. It's the time of the year that we waited for all winter and now that it's here what are we doing? Complaining.

The minute the thermometer rises we all go into our basements and start dragging up our air conditioners. While we wished for the warmth in January, we do everything we can to avoid it come July. Those oh-so-comfy blankets that swaddled us through winter's endless chills are tossed into closets and fans are soon perched precariously close to our footboards so that we are never in fear of being sweaty.

I believe it was Shakespeare that first said “Man, it's too hot for pantaloons today!” And ever since it has been humanity's quest to find comfort in the summer. Before electricity the first fans were nothing more than little paper plates on a stick that you had to sway back and forth in front of your face to try and stem the ever-increasing flow of sweat. You can still see them today if you ever have to go into an un-air-conditioned church. The older ladies with their wide-brimmed hats and Sunday dresses waving their fans trying to not only find eternal salvation but some sort of temporary relief.

If you're one of the lucky ones then you might have a pool in your backyard that you can dive into once you get out of work and float around on a blow-up raft to your heart's content. Unfortunately, other than a bathtub, the Molloy household doesn't have any type of aquatic amenities. True, I did once think of putting in a small pool but thought differently after I realized that it would mean having to take Miss Maggie (the puppy) to the YMCA for swimming lessons and going through the hassle of finding her a bikini in just the right size.

We have an air conditioner, but if we want to enjoy the outside we are reduced to the poor man's waterworks more commonly known as a sprinkler. While it does work in a pinch, the downside is that it cascades back and forth, so one moment you're enjoying a gentle rain and the next, you're baking in the sun again. It's sort of like playing red light, green light — but instead of winning a game, you end up wet and miserable. Sure I could change the setting so it stays in one position, but then it would feel like I'm taking a shower while sitting in a lawn chair.

The one thing I'm not going to do, though, is complain about the heat or the humidity, because the way I see it, you don't have to shovel sunshine, and the only brushing I have to do in the morning is on my teeth.

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Auburn native Bradley Molloy’s column appears here each Sunday. He can be reached at lovonian@hotmail.com